your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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