so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
