I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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