adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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