New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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