The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
