Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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