tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
