Welp...herpes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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