my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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