last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
