my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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