I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
