i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
