Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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