Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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