When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
