Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
