I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
