i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
