Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
