So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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