Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
