you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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