Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
