you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
