This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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