Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
