You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
