...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
