can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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