I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
