Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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