I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
