You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize