Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
