They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
this beer tastes like vomit already
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize