Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
