Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
