I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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