I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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