We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
