Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I love having hate sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
