he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
