Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
