you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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