awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize