well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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