Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
