I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
