I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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