Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
two words...techno handjob
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
