What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
