pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
