Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
