I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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