I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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