You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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