My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
