i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
